Well this week I have been pondering the conundrum that is Global Warming.
No this is not Mrs Scurrie turning up the Tweeter Hall heating to something just short of nuclear fusion and me having to sit in the conservatory in my Hugo Boss high waist manly trunks.
What I am more concerned about is what this could do to my golf game and my attempts to bring a smile to the Mearns masses
What I’m really concerned about is the effect all this impending heat will have on my balls.
I’ve read lately that cold weather can reduce the length you hit your average shot. This has been measured scientifically to be as much as 10 yards per 5 degrees of temperature change. All very well I hear you say but whats that got to do with Stoney GC? Well Ill tell you what (and Im guessing your not surprised). Last Friday I traveled to work in temperatures varying between zero and 1 degree centigrade. Later in the morning it was 8 degrees and positively balmy. By 1pm looking up from my lunch time macaroni cheese it was blin-drift and blowing a hoolie.
Suddenly a light came on in the empty expanse that is my cranial void. Now I know why I can never drive the first any more, I can’t hit the 7th with a 6 iron, It takes me at least 3 shots to reach the sixteenth green and dont start me on my ability to hit the second in one shot. My fears of dwindling ability, muscle atrophy and advancing years were thrown to the four winds. I’m not getting any worse ...... It’s climate change. Just as I stand confidently over a smooth seven iron into the third green the temperature drops. What would have been a warm happy pro-V1 turns into a lump of stone as a sudden icy blast crosses the highland fault just at the moment of impact. My once elastic ball collides with the club face with a (less than) mighty clang and heads green-ward with a lack of height that scares worms coming up for air.
But stop. What happens next is nothing short of mind blowing. My opponent, from only a yard closer to the dance-floor, addresses his ball and a warm tropical breeze from just south of Gourdon wafts over the very same turf that only seconds before resembled the arctic tundra. His ball now bounces off the turf in a majestic arc and lands like a butterfly with athletes foot only inches from the pin.
On that note m’lud I rest my case for the defence. I have no personal or athletic failings in my quest to be a golfer... I have been defeated by climate change ... thats my story and Im stickin tae it.
We will be hosting a Get Into Golf Open Day on Sunday May 15 at the club & a free golf taster session on the practice area will be provided.
Adult beginners will also be offered a six week block of coaching lessons from a PGA pro for only £40 and these lessons will now begin on Sunday June 5, held at Stonehaven Golf Club. You can enrol for the lessons without coming along to the open day. To register your interest, please call the club on 01569 762124 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
ON THE COURSE
Despite the poor weather a few competitions and qualifiers have been completed and the draw for the Willie Watt Matchplay and RBS pairs competition has been made and is on club notice board.
Cowie Cup - Darren Milne retained the Cowie Cup for a second year closely followed by Jim Hepburn and Neil Irvine.
Results - D Milne 68, 62 (130), J Hepburn 65, 66 (131), N Irvine 70, 62 (132)
IN THE CLUBHOUSE
Confirmed events are as follows: May 7 – Neil Diamond Tribute Night – SOLD OUT, June 11 – Live Music 60’s & 70’s Night, £10 per ticket, August 27 – Live Music from Billy Main (Captains Day), £10 per ticket, October 1 – Live Music 80’s night, £10 per ticket